Walking out life lessons

In everything there is a season. Hopefully, for us North Texas folks we are headed into the Spring season. Today, Kayden got down from the breakfast table and asked if we could go for a walk. I put him off at first because I was tired from just having worked three busy days at work. After he asked the 5th time I conceded and put my shoes on. He wanted to head to the park across the street. For most families a walk is a walk, but for Kayden and me it has a special meaning. When Kayden first came home he and I would "walk" every morning at the park. We would spend hours playing, strolling, laughing and getting used to his new life. At first he hated the grass and sand. It was so dissimilar to the cement and tile floors he was use to at the foster home. However, daily we still went back and explored some more. Last spring/summer we did the same. We would walk to the park and he would focus on the ducks, fish or turtles and would have "conversations" in baby talk with me. Today, though similar in many ways to the previous year, was much more rewarding. Now he loves the outdoors, the grass, rocks, sticks and sand. We talk of how the leaves fell off the trees and the grass that was once green is brown, but it will be green again. The lessons we learned today were built off of the foundations of years past. He and I both learned some valuable lessons today.

As we meandered through the park we watched people riding bikes, playing basketball and some walking their dogs. Kayden (Mr. Personality) says "hi" to everyone and wants to pet every dog. This child knows NO fear. We were about half way around the big pond and a car pulls up into a parking space with dogs yapping. Kayden just smiled. A gentleman stepped out and a little terrier came with him on a leash. He walked around to the passenger side and let out his wife, who had a large Scotty with her, also on a leash. However, the Scotty got loose and barked loudly racing towards Kayden. For a moment, I didn't know what to do. I was scared that the dog might knock Kayden into the cold water of the pond OR angrily bite him. I couldn't predict the dogs actions. I stood my ground for a minute waiting on the ladies reaction and then I heard her say "NO!!!! Oh NO!" I took that to mean my child could be in danger. I swept Kayden up and over my back in record time sticking my leg out toward the dog. The dog stopped abruptly and sat down quietly. I grabbed his leash with my free hand and gave it back to the owner. At that point I put Kayden back down and he says in his sing song voice, "hey puppy!" The man and woman were so apologetic and I assured them we were fine, but I was so overwhelmed by the whole encounter I turned and started to tear up. This is why: Kayden was given to me on paper but he was gifted to me by God. You never know what is in you until it becomes challenged. I always worried if I would be a good mother when it came down to crunch time. Yes, I know I am a good mom but I needed to KNOW deep inside I was a good mom. I walked away thinking, "yes, I would give my life (or right leg in this case) for my child." Kayden had no idea what thoughts were swirling through my head. He was on to the ducks again. As we started walking back home a sudden song came to mind and I sang aloud, "Jesus, Jesus (and Kayden starts singing along "Jee-dus, Jee-dus...) how I trust you, how I've proved you o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus. Oh for grace to trust you more." Kayden says, "mom, what does that mean?" I replied, "We believe that Jesus will take care of us, love us, watch over us..." Kayden interrupts, "help us!" "Yes, baby he helps us. And even when we have times where we think things are bad, He will make them good." Kayden just smiled and said, "Jesus helps us. He's awesome!"

I am ready for this next season. A season where I can teach my child that God watches over us. He gives good gifts to His children and even when things looks dead, there is life deep within.

Transparency in Death

In my line of work I see a lot of death. More than the average American doing their desk job. Death has never been an easy subject for me. I have always struggled with the eventual "end" of things. The thought that something that once was will no longer be; a vapor. Being a believer in Christ has not taken away the difficulty in discussing or even thinking on death. To be honest, I am NOT looking forward to my own demise. However, as another child has been granted their wings this week I have been faced with the thought of death yet again. 

Sitting in church this morning I had a mini-panic attack, which is not normal for me. All my pastor said was, "heaven and earth will pass away…" I heard nothing after that. My mind began swirling about the child who had been wheeled away in drop down stretcher with a nice quilt laying over the top. Thoughts of "I don't want to die, I don't want to be no more, I don't want to be gone without a trace" began to repeat over and over in my head. I had to force myself to walk out of the sanctuary and out into the hallway to change my thought process and focus on positive things. I even stopped by Kayden's class to peer into the window and watch him play. In my lifetime I have had probably 5 instances where this has happened. I remember it happening when I was little and I was concerned over losing my parents. I remember it happening when I was a teenager and lost my grandfather. I remember it occurred when I was driving back home from college and I thought my other grandfather would never see me marry. It happened right after I got married, while laying down to go to sleep and it happened today. Every time, it is short lived, but it happens. Why? I don't really know. Today, I think it had a lot to do with my unprocessed emotions from the week and the fact that over the holidays I was so busy that my time in the Word got shoved to the side. Admittedly, I have not been reading my Bible as I should and that is where the promises of God are. So today, I have spent time reading, praying and thinking on His promises. I decided to read 1 John 3-5 and have a good ole fashioned cry. 

Here are the nuggets I took from my reading today (not all are relative to this thought process, but good none the less):

Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions  1 John 3:18 

We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living in him...

We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us, and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. 1 John 4: 16, 18

And what is it that God has said? That he has given us eternal life, and that this life is in his Son. So whoever has God's Son has life; whoever does not have his Son, does not have life. I have written this to you who believe in the Son of God so that you many know you have eternal life.  1 John 5: 11-13

But if we have bad consciences and feel that we have done wrong, the Lord will surely feel it even more, for he knows everything we do. 1 John 2: 20 (literal translation, "if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart."

So my confidence is this: God loves me dearly and I believe in Him and His Word. If I am fearful, it is because I am lacking in my faith. However, even though my heart may condemn me for my lack, God is greater than my heart.

As I read these passages of scripture a song came on with the words, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves…" When I am fearful or in distress this is the thought that has always pulled me through. Yes, I believe that there is a heaven and that my spirit is eternal. Yes, I believe that my moments here on this earth are numbered but I have nothing to fear for each day is a gift from God. There will come a day when I will abide forever in the presence of a loving God and that thought is glorious.

Announcing: New Adventures

The new year is upon us and with that I am ready to face new adventures. I have grand ideas of what is to come this year. I have written on my heart that this is the year of completion for some things and the opening of a new chapter with others. Our family will be standing firm that what God said would happen... will.

One area that I believe will be completed is the sell of our home. Some of you may know our townhome has been on the market since June 2010. We have been actively trying to sell in order to build a bigger home to accommodate a larger family and ministry. Our vision is to open our home to the orphans and widows of the world. To reach out to the hurting and lost. To place fatherless children into a home with a loving family. In our current living situation, it is feasible but not optimal. We barely have room for more than 2 people to stay overnight much less live. Like I said, we have GRAND ideas. During a Sunday worship service 6 months or so ago the verse from Ps 68:5-6 became hard pressed on me. It reads, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity..." As I read the scripture these words started pounding in my heart, "The house will be built as a place of refuge for those who need to be shown mercy and love. Who need acceptance and life. It will not be our house but God's (habitation). A house of ministry, a house of love and grace. People who are hurting will be healed. People who are lonely will find family. Women will be shown that they are not discarded but valuable treasures." That is why I am believing for completion this year. There are too many people needing to know what family is, what unconditional love is, what a home is. Also, I believe that we will be opening a new door for adoption soon. My heart is burning and fully committed to welcoming another little Ethiopian into our family. However, we cannot in good faith start that journey until we settle affairs with the house. Which brings me to my next adventure.

Though maybe hasty I have decided that I am going to start offering photography sessions to individuals and families on a donation basis. It all started as a hobby 2 years ago and has turned into an obsession. I am by no means trained, certified or claiming to be the best. I am an amateur photographer who is somewhat of a perfectionist and will not give you a shabby product. Here is my plea: If you allow me to take your picture, I will provide you with original and finished copies of your images on a CD. I can make prints but would prefer not to do that at this time.The donation that you give will go straight to adoption. Since we are not currently in the process of adoption, the plan is to give 50% to someone individually that we know is adopting or via our church's Zoe Foundation, and the other 50% will go into a savings account for our future adoption needs. Now please know, this is all new to me. By no means I have worked out all the details. So let me say again, I have GRAND ideas for what this year holds.


So here we go....full swing ahead. Let's set our sights high and see what God can do.


Sample photos:

Going to the Extreme

I have realized something today. I am not the parent I want to be. There was a statement I heard many years ago, “Your extreme will be your child’s norm.” I cannot recall who said it but it has always stayed with me. I do remember the context in which it was spoken. I was at church and the preacher was telling us young adults that ungodly lifestyles would impact the next generation, so be careful choices you make. Overall, the context was a negative one. “Your running behind your parents back drinking/partying will be socially acceptable to your child.” Haven’t we seen this already with the children being raised in America today? He meant to “scare us straight” but it meant something completely different to me. For me, it was a challenge to be more determined in setting a good example in faith. My passionate worship of the One True Living God would be second nature to a child raised in that environment. Because of the example of prayer, my child would not see it as a hassle but a continual conversation with an intimate Savior. My daily Bible reading, though a sacrifice for me to make fit into my life, would cause my child to have a friend closer than a brother who he could turn to in his hour of need.  However, I have found lacking in my own life.

Yes, worship IS second nature to me. I was raised with a mother who sat at her piano everyday to sing hymns of praise to her faithful God. As I write tears come to my eyes thinking of how I would be in the backyard playing and I could hear the piano crescendo as my mom sang “How Great Thou Art.” Beautiful melodies, beautiful memories, and a heritage of faith expressed through music. Kayden and I will dance to praise and worship at home and at church will great joy building on that legacy of worship. It comes easy for me because of the example set by my mom. It is a greater expression of me to my God, my Friend, my Savior and I want that to come even easier with even more passion to my children.

Prayer has also been a great gift handed to me through generations. It is mainly through my father that I receive this gift. I was surrounded by nightly prayer rituals as a child, intense and deep prayers by my dad for family members who were in distress and at times rushed to my grandparent’s house in the middle of the night to intercede on their behalf when they were ill. Nothing was ever too silly or shallow to pray over. Due to this tradition of prayer, silent or aloud, my child has developed a keen awareness of our supplications. He loves to pray even when doesn’t know what to say. It’s cute that when I have a headache or complain of an ailment he immediately wants to pray over me. My heart is that all of our children will know that there is a God who hears their cries and will answer when they call.

However, what about that other part, the Word. My whole life I have struggled to maintain a consistent Bible reading plan. I have tried everything: a journal, a “Read the Bible 365 plan,” and even accountability partners (who weren’t so accountable) but I’m still inconsistent. No, I will not blame my parents but I will say that we did not have regular daily devotions as a family. This was one area that I wanted to remedy in my own children. The Bible is foundational to a person’s beliefs. Without the Word what do we base our faith on, sermons? No, sermons are someone’s interpretation of God, a revelation of who God is to them. When we read the Bible, for ourselves, different words and context may come alive to you/me because we are viewing them through our frame of reference. It will be what the Holy Spirit wants for me/you to comprehend at that time. I want my children to believe in God because they found the truth for themselves, not because someone told them that is what is true. In that is a foundation which cannot be shaken.

So, here in lies the challenge. For the sake of my children I need to be radical. For some, I may seem radical already. I dance at church, I sing from the top of my lungs, I shout “Hallelujah” too from time to time and I pray for those who are sick and expect them to recover…Yep, I’m one of those believers. However, I want to be a radical Bible reader too. I want my children to be even more extreme than I am. I want them to read and devour the Word of God like it is the very breath that they breathe. I want them to dance like David danced. I want them to pray with fervor like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. I want the legacy of faith to continue because it is ingrained in their nature. With that being said, here is my prayer: Lord, give me the strength and determination to live a life to the extreme.

Thankful in the Loss

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and most will be huddled together with family and friends gorging themselves on homemade delights. For me, I am supposed to work. I knew that becoming a nurse would ultimately find me making compromises that I would not want to make, but would for the greater good. Last year was Kayden's first Thanksgiving with us and I am grateful that we had that moment to share. However, this year my heart was set on seeing his school play as our family "thing" for Thanksgiving. He had been sharing snip-its of his "act" with us, taunting us with his cuteness. We dropped him off at school with warning from the school's director to make sure we were on time. After getting a few groceries, unloading them at home and getting dressed for the event, we headed to Kayden's school. We arrived to the sanctuary promptly at 11 am, cameras ready, and joined the other proud parents on the pews. After several acts, the director, stated "that's the end of our program folks." Shawn and I looked at each other questioningly. When we sat down to lunch with Kayden I overheard other parents telling their children, "you looked so great up there" and "I'm so proud of you, you did a great job." My heart sank. I couldn't tell my child that. I missed it. So much hope dashed. For most, this wouldn't have been a big deal. So he will do it again next year. For me, I became broken. I should have been there for my child and I let him down. In reflection, I am grateful for that brokenness. Why? Because I am bonded with my child. He is no longer an orphan. He is MINE. I love him with an unconditional everlasting love. It hurts me to hurt him, to dissappoint him or to feel that I have left him alone. I am thankful that I have him. That I can feel the joy and pain that comes along with being his mother. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Cherish the ups and downs for in them all are blessings. It just depends on your perspective.

Perception of Perfection

I am not a writer as much as I am a reader. The written word has the power to transport, to temporarily displace, to move earth and time. Oh how I love the idealic universe of a book. But I don’t live in a book. I live in the here and now, which can sometimes weigh a person down. I am a real person with real thoughts, real hurts, real situations, true joys and true pain. Due to my desire to live in an idealic world I often look at my world through perfectionistic eyes. Desiring the best of me and hoping everyone else will too. There is no room for compromise, no room for “slip-ups” and no re-do’s. Do it right the first time with excellence. High expectations mean a longer and harder fall. Why do I put myself through it? Human nature; a desire to not be found wanting, maybe even the difficulty in accepting unconditional love. Honestly, how long can one person keep up that pace without succumbing to the weight of imperfection? Not long. Pushing, striving, attaining and failing only to find that all along all I had to do was trust.

Trust, for me, has always come easy. I am gullible and quick to believe in people (some of my close friends know this well and use it to their advantage in tricking me). On the more serious side, I have been hurt many times in my life just because I didn’t want think someone was truly that devious or selfish. I have held on to friends longer than I should have. I pushed away those who showed potential to hurt. It is because of these life experiences that I now find myself more hesitant to make new friends, becoming more introverted the older I get. I have become my own worst enemy. Condemning myself for “human” errors and becoming more introverted in order that I would not disappoint anyone else. Maybe it was the hurt that pushed me more toward perfection. Not wanting to hurt others as they hurt me. Not wanting to accept that I am just as selfish, at times, as they were. Each hurt became a brick, a layer, a wall pinning me in as I strove to create my own idealic universe. A preacher once said, “If you find the perfect church and join it, it won’t be perfect anymore.” If I create my safe perfect world and all that is left in it is me, guess what? It’s NOT perfect.

So how do I move past the flaw of perfection? Jesus. I’m currently reading a book called, “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World” by Joanna Weaver. In just the few chapters I have read it has become clear that I am Martha (Luke 10). I am the one who will open my home at the drop of a hat. Upon entering my house I will make sure sheets are clean, the most comforting foods are cooked and that you want for nothing. However, what you will not get is me sitting and enjoying a conversation. A wall? Perhaps. Perfection? Most definitely. In reading the story of Mary and Martha, in Luke 10, Martha is fussing about fixing a dinner for her guests while her sister sits by and does nothing (my perspective). Vs 40 says Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. Were these preparations REALLY needed? The Bible says that Mary chose the “greater thing.” It was to sit and listen to Jesus, commune with Him, get to know Him. It is in my time with Him that I learn to be content with who I am. It is also in those times I realize what gifts/talents I have been blessed with and that it is okay to use them in relationship with others. It is in those quiet times that bricks of hurt are removed and crushed, nevermore to return. It is in those moments that I know that my world will never be perfect but my Savior is.

Transparency

(Orginally written April 2010)

Today is a day of reflection for me. Where we have come from, where we have been and what God has in store for the future. I think about all the things I thought I knew: things about the world, the people in it and who I was to be walking amongst them. Truth be told, I saw life a LOT different. I will not pretend to have all the answers, nor do I hold much confidence in what I see for our family’s next journey. One lesson I have learned in this life is that no matter what you think your great calling may be it will change and the only thing that will not change is God Himself.

My favorite times with God are during times of worship. Worshipping God always seems to draw me deeper in faith and opens up my understanding of who God is. Every time I start worship I pray this prayer, “Lord, let this world disappear and it just be you and me, face to face, in that secret place.” I have always imagined my secret place as hiding in the folds of His robe, sheltered from the noise and distractions of the world, leaning close to His heart and listening to the beat of love flow for creation. It is in this place where I feel whole. I believe in God not because I am a mindless woman who follows the swiftest river. I believe in God because it is my nature. I am created to worship Him, to adore Him, to serve Him, to love Him, to devote all I have to Him. We all are.

Now if I may be blunt: People think they know me, however, not many do. Very few really see the inner workings of my heart. Yes, aspects of me are easier to see and define but what really lies under that is a desperate person. I have spent many hours of my life crying out to the heavens. Many times I have pondered, studied and tried to determine what God wanted for me. At points in my life I thought it to be healing ministry, at others missions, then maybe a combination of both, and now it has morphed into all those things and more. One underlying constant has been love. There is healing, redemption, and wholeness in love. There peace, joy and security in love. The Bible says, “God is love.” If that does not give us purpose or excite us then what will. All creation needs love and all creation needs God. There should not be one person to breathe their last breath on this planet without knowing what it is to love and be loved. Everyone IS loved but they just don’t know it yet. That is my underlying purpose. Some days I get trapped in the ways of the world and the day to day business forgetting what I was meant to do that day….love. I do get consumed with the affairs of men too much. Such is the fallacy of being human. That’s when I need my “secret place” even more. To see people as God sees them, not as a human judging them unnecessarily.  

So, what does this all mean? It means I need to be more transparent, more true to my inner self and consistent in my everyday dealings. It means I need to have more of “God time” and less hurrying around doing things that don’t make a difference. I also see adoption as fulfilling and amplifying the calling on my life. Adoption is healing, it is redeeming, it is stepping out of us and giving to others, it is Godly love.