Transparency in Death

In my line of work I see a lot of death. More than the average American doing their desk job. Death has never been an easy subject for me. I have always struggled with the eventual "end" of things. The thought that something that once was will no longer be; a vapor. Being a believer in Christ has not taken away the difficulty in discussing or even thinking on death. To be honest, I am NOT looking forward to my own demise. However, as another child has been granted their wings this week I have been faced with the thought of death yet again. 

Sitting in church this morning I had a mini-panic attack, which is not normal for me. All my pastor said was, "heaven and earth will pass away…" I heard nothing after that. My mind began swirling about the child who had been wheeled away in drop down stretcher with a nice quilt laying over the top. Thoughts of "I don't want to die, I don't want to be no more, I don't want to be gone without a trace" began to repeat over and over in my head. I had to force myself to walk out of the sanctuary and out into the hallway to change my thought process and focus on positive things. I even stopped by Kayden's class to peer into the window and watch him play. In my lifetime I have had probably 5 instances where this has happened. I remember it happening when I was little and I was concerned over losing my parents. I remember it happening when I was a teenager and lost my grandfather. I remember it occurred when I was driving back home from college and I thought my other grandfather would never see me marry. It happened right after I got married, while laying down to go to sleep and it happened today. Every time, it is short lived, but it happens. Why? I don't really know. Today, I think it had a lot to do with my unprocessed emotions from the week and the fact that over the holidays I was so busy that my time in the Word got shoved to the side. Admittedly, I have not been reading my Bible as I should and that is where the promises of God are. So today, I have spent time reading, praying and thinking on His promises. I decided to read 1 John 3-5 and have a good ole fashioned cry. 

Here are the nuggets I took from my reading today (not all are relative to this thought process, but good none the less):

Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions  1 John 3:18 

We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living in him...

We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us, and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. 1 John 4: 16, 18

And what is it that God has said? That he has given us eternal life, and that this life is in his Son. So whoever has God's Son has life; whoever does not have his Son, does not have life. I have written this to you who believe in the Son of God so that you many know you have eternal life.  1 John 5: 11-13

But if we have bad consciences and feel that we have done wrong, the Lord will surely feel it even more, for he knows everything we do. 1 John 2: 20 (literal translation, "if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart."

So my confidence is this: God loves me dearly and I believe in Him and His Word. If I am fearful, it is because I am lacking in my faith. However, even though my heart may condemn me for my lack, God is greater than my heart.

As I read these passages of scripture a song came on with the words, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves…" When I am fearful or in distress this is the thought that has always pulled me through. Yes, I believe that there is a heaven and that my spirit is eternal. Yes, I believe that my moments here on this earth are numbered but I have nothing to fear for each day is a gift from God. There will come a day when I will abide forever in the presence of a loving God and that thought is glorious.

Announcing: New Adventures

The new year is upon us and with that I am ready to face new adventures. I have grand ideas of what is to come this year. I have written on my heart that this is the year of completion for some things and the opening of a new chapter with others. Our family will be standing firm that what God said would happen... will.

One area that I believe will be completed is the sell of our home. Some of you may know our townhome has been on the market since June 2010. We have been actively trying to sell in order to build a bigger home to accommodate a larger family and ministry. Our vision is to open our home to the orphans and widows of the world. To reach out to the hurting and lost. To place fatherless children into a home with a loving family. In our current living situation, it is feasible but not optimal. We barely have room for more than 2 people to stay overnight much less live. Like I said, we have GRAND ideas. During a Sunday worship service 6 months or so ago the verse from Ps 68:5-6 became hard pressed on me. It reads, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity..." As I read the scripture these words started pounding in my heart, "The house will be built as a place of refuge for those who need to be shown mercy and love. Who need acceptance and life. It will not be our house but God's (habitation). A house of ministry, a house of love and grace. People who are hurting will be healed. People who are lonely will find family. Women will be shown that they are not discarded but valuable treasures." That is why I am believing for completion this year. There are too many people needing to know what family is, what unconditional love is, what a home is. Also, I believe that we will be opening a new door for adoption soon. My heart is burning and fully committed to welcoming another little Ethiopian into our family. However, we cannot in good faith start that journey until we settle affairs with the house. Which brings me to my next adventure.

Though maybe hasty I have decided that I am going to start offering photography sessions to individuals and families on a donation basis. It all started as a hobby 2 years ago and has turned into an obsession. I am by no means trained, certified or claiming to be the best. I am an amateur photographer who is somewhat of a perfectionist and will not give you a shabby product. Here is my plea: If you allow me to take your picture, I will provide you with original and finished copies of your images on a CD. I can make prints but would prefer not to do that at this time.The donation that you give will go straight to adoption. Since we are not currently in the process of adoption, the plan is to give 50% to someone individually that we know is adopting or via our church's Zoe Foundation, and the other 50% will go into a savings account for our future adoption needs. Now please know, this is all new to me. By no means I have worked out all the details. So let me say again, I have GRAND ideas for what this year holds.


So here we go....full swing ahead. Let's set our sights high and see what God can do.


Sample photos: