Transparency in Death

In my line of work I see a lot of death. More than the average American doing their desk job. Death has never been an easy subject for me. I have always struggled with the eventual "end" of things. The thought that something that once was will no longer be; a vapor. Being a believer in Christ has not taken away the difficulty in discussing or even thinking on death. To be honest, I am NOT looking forward to my own demise. However, as another child has been granted their wings this week I have been faced with the thought of death yet again. 

Sitting in church this morning I had a mini-panic attack, which is not normal for me. All my pastor said was, "heaven and earth will pass away…" I heard nothing after that. My mind began swirling about the child who had been wheeled away in drop down stretcher with a nice quilt laying over the top. Thoughts of "I don't want to die, I don't want to be no more, I don't want to be gone without a trace" began to repeat over and over in my head. I had to force myself to walk out of the sanctuary and out into the hallway to change my thought process and focus on positive things. I even stopped by Kayden's class to peer into the window and watch him play. In my lifetime I have had probably 5 instances where this has happened. I remember it happening when I was little and I was concerned over losing my parents. I remember it happening when I was a teenager and lost my grandfather. I remember it occurred when I was driving back home from college and I thought my other grandfather would never see me marry. It happened right after I got married, while laying down to go to sleep and it happened today. Every time, it is short lived, but it happens. Why? I don't really know. Today, I think it had a lot to do with my unprocessed emotions from the week and the fact that over the holidays I was so busy that my time in the Word got shoved to the side. Admittedly, I have not been reading my Bible as I should and that is where the promises of God are. So today, I have spent time reading, praying and thinking on His promises. I decided to read 1 John 3-5 and have a good ole fashioned cry. 

Here are the nuggets I took from my reading today (not all are relative to this thought process, but good none the less):

Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions  1 John 3:18 

We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living in him...

We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us, and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. 1 John 4: 16, 18

And what is it that God has said? That he has given us eternal life, and that this life is in his Son. So whoever has God's Son has life; whoever does not have his Son, does not have life. I have written this to you who believe in the Son of God so that you many know you have eternal life.  1 John 5: 11-13

But if we have bad consciences and feel that we have done wrong, the Lord will surely feel it even more, for he knows everything we do. 1 John 2: 20 (literal translation, "if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart."

So my confidence is this: God loves me dearly and I believe in Him and His Word. If I am fearful, it is because I am lacking in my faith. However, even though my heart may condemn me for my lack, God is greater than my heart.

As I read these passages of scripture a song came on with the words, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves…" When I am fearful or in distress this is the thought that has always pulled me through. Yes, I believe that there is a heaven and that my spirit is eternal. Yes, I believe that my moments here on this earth are numbered but I have nothing to fear for each day is a gift from God. There will come a day when I will abide forever in the presence of a loving God and that thought is glorious.