My Story, My Journey

My Journey….(orginally written January 2009)

I am not one who blogs or even keeps a daily journal. I tend to talk instead of write, until now. Therefore, to most of you this story may seem familiar, but not everyone has heard the whole story. Only now, as the adoption process is coming to an end, I am being drawn to relive my journey. In doing so, I have realized that the heartache is easing, the hope is renewed and my faith now stronger. Even as I write, the tears in my eyes have turned from mourning in to dancing. So here is the rest of my story.

Being a typical American girl I always dreamed of the man I would marry, the children I would carry and the life I would live to the fullest. Yes, at 13 years old I would put the proverbial pillow under my shirt and imagine what I would look like pregnant. You laugh, but you have done it too. However, my story varies there in that whenever I would put that pillow under my shirt, in the quiet of my room, a thought would materialize in the back of my mind about adoption. I can’t explain it but even from a young age, I knew that adoption would play a role in my life.

At 19 years of age, I felt a calling on my life. I know that some of you may not understand what I am talking about, but I really felt that God had a purpose for my life beyond me, beyond my dreams, beyond my hopes. I traveled to Africa to spend a summer working with missionaries. That summer changed my life. My eyes were opened to the resilience of human beings even in the most disparaging situations. My heart began to break for people who had never heard, “I love you” or felt the warmth of a friendly hug. Children who never had a father say, “I am proud of you” or mother ease their fears after getting hurt. That trip put me on a course for Bible school and eventually into the field of nursing. I was on a path to love the unloved. That’s when the adoption journey really started.

I met my husband Shawn in Bible school. He led a trip of students overseas on a mission’s trip and I was one of his little followers. We were friends for several years. We were in ministry together, hung out with the same friends and even dated other people but it wasn’t until 2003 that we started dating. Our courtship and engagement was relatively fast because we already knew each other: the good, bad and ugly. Trust me, the trip overseas was UGLY! We were married in the fall of 2004 and told ourselves that we would give our marriage a year before we started trying to have a family. It was pure bliss. We had some struggles at the beginning between Shawn going into fulltime ministry, me starting a new job in nursing and finances not always being what we wanted. However, God was faithful and He provided for all of our needs. A year quickly passed and we were ready to begin a new adventure, trying for baby number one out of the three we said we wanted. The possibilities were endless.

Immediately, I started making preparations for a new baby. The office was turned into a nursery. My old baby crib was set up. The walls got several coats of paint (I just couldn’t decide.) We went out looking at cute baby clothes. However, months began to pass with EPT sticks negative. People, out of the kindness of their heart, start telling you their stories of their journey to parenthood. Family members, who you can’t remember their kids names their so far removed, start sharing intimate details of how to “make” babies. After 6 months passed, we decided that I needed to go to my doctor and see if there was something wrong. Three months and MANY lab draws later, my doctor told me that my hormones levels were consistently low and I need to go on medication. At first I thought nothing of it. I will take some medication and within a month I will be pregnant. Four months, MANY lab draws and several medication increases later…Nothing. Advice from friends now seems like a condemnation for not being able to bear children. Their hearts were in the right place, mine wasn’t. More time passed without explanation of why things weren’t working. My doctor decided that it was time to test my husband. The results: he’s normal! Go figure. I continue on with the medication, monthly tests, and even several IUI procedures hoping beyond hope that something will start to work. A year passes and my hope starts to fade. The baby’s room, that once was so bright, became a place of sorrow and emptiness, a reminder of my internal struggle.

08.25.06 Prayer note: LORD, I am weary in Spirit. I have struggled for so long, in so many situations to feel adequate. You know this well. I gave you my life and my heart in hopes that you would mend my wounded spirit. Many days I do not even think about this issue but some days it overwhelms me, especially in these days of not being able to conceive. Lord, you are the giver of life, the creator and provider. You are worthy of praise! Lord, grant me life, a life free of felling like I don’t measure up, or that something is wrong with me. You are my rock, my strong tower, my refuge and I am running to you. Hold me and let me rest in your embrace.

You see, when a woman is designed to bring life into this world and that gift eludes her, life seems void and empty.

In January 2007 my doctor recommended exploratory surgery. I went to the hospital with my husband, mother and aunt standing strong for me. We did not have any idea what the results would show. We were just hoping for answers, anything at all. Needless to say, they found nothing that would keep me from getting pregnant. Those words were devastating, because it left me with only one thought. God, why would you take this from me, what did I do?

07.02.07 Prayer note: It has been two years this coming August. Two years of hope deferred, and as the Psalmist said, it does make the heart sick. Sick with grief, anger, depression and many other emotions. After hearing, “there is not reason why you cannot conceive” you consider the reasons:

            1. Am I not worthy?

            2. Is there something wrong with my spiritual life-a lesson I must learn?

            3. Does God not trust me?

            4. What is it that I am doing or have done that needs to be punished?

            5. Should I drink that second cup of coffee? (You laugh but that is how the mind starts thinking. Every little thing under scrutiny)

Every part of my life becomes scrutinized and evaluated as a reason for my “failure.” The doctor even used the word “failure” when discussing my treatments. Why is it that when a woman cannot bear her own children she is looked at as less. She is judged by every statement from those who think they are giving wise advice.

1.      “If you take a vacation, you are sure to get pregnant”= you work too much

2.      When adoption comes into the picture people say, “Once you start the process of adoption, you will get pregnant”=adoption doesn’t make you a real mother, only having your own child will

3.      People say “stop worrying.” That is easy for them to say and who says I am worrying. They are the ones who keep bringing my “infertility” to the forefront of EVERY conversation. And then proceed to tell you stories about people far removed that have my same “PROBLEM.”

What if this is not a problem but an opportunity, an opportunity to love someone unconditionally just because they are another human being. What if the time is right for me to help someone else with their “problem” of not having a home? All children need to be loved and provided for, kept safe and shown hope. Why can’t we be that for them regardless of their bloodline? The hope of every child in foster care or orphanages is being deferred as well.

I am sorry if some feel that I was too harsh, but I am trying to be honest and show how it truly feels on the rollercoaster of infertility. It was not what people were saying, it was how I felt about myself that colored the reception of the advice. Reading those words really makes me realize how great my God is. The Bible says that we will face trials (hardships) of many kinds but God will give us the strength to endure them. That is one more verse that I can say that I have tested and found true.

In the fall of 2007 we were given the option to pursue IVF. After discussing it for a matter of seconds, Shawn and I knew the answer…NO! It is a personal choice that not all people make, but for us, it is more important to have A family. We wanted a sure thing at this point, no more guess work or self condemnation. So in September we sent in our application for adoption to the Gladney Center for Adoption. We knew that we wanted to adopt internationally but we did not have our hearts set on anything in particular. We had been praying that God would give us peace as we prayed over the various countries we were eligible for. God divinely led us to the country of Ethiopia. I felt like God was bringing me full circle.

The fury of completing a mountain of paperwork, answering questions for a home study and being fingerprinted multiple times was enough to drive a person crazy. Thankfully I am a VERY organized person. On May 23, 2008 our caseworker Jessica called us with exciting news…IT’S A BOY! He was 4 months old and had the biggest most beautiful eyes of any child I had ever seen. The moment I saw his picture I started crying and my heart was filled with a new hope. The weight lifted and I could breathe again. We walked through technicalities and the limited background information effortlessly. And then the words came, “Do you want to think about it and get back with me?” Shawn and I just stared at each other and we knew…NO! We want him, we need him, and he’s ours!

The next couple of months were electric. We had so much energy and enthusiasm for life. We had been informed that the wait to be assigned a court date in Ethiopia could take as long as 6 weeks. Even at that, the court date might be 1 month out from when you are told about it. Armed with that information we began planning a late summer arrival of our new son. However, in June our plans were put on hold. The government of Ethiopia was investigating some illegal activity in regards to adoption. All cases pending in Ethiopia were postponed until further notice. It was a three month lesson in developing patience. Not only did we miss our target time but the rainy season was fast approaching. The rainy season in Ethiopia starts the first week of August and lasts for two months. The problem is that during that time the government shuts down and you are helpless. Towards the end of the summer Jessica calls and tells us that it looks like we will beat the rainy season with a court date of August 4^th but a week prior to that date, when reviewing our paperwork, we were missing a document from in-country and our court date was not assigned. This was my turning point. When I stopped relying on what people said or what I thought and started relying on the promises of God.

The Bible talks about a spirit of adoption. It’s not a hard concept but I had never sat down and really pondered its meaning.

Romans 8: 22-25 “For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.”

This journey I can liken to every human beings life. We all have promises from God. The main one being that He will save us and be in relationship with us, our Heavenly Father. We, as believers, rest in that hope. We have faith that these words are true. My son, Kayden, will be home mid-February but does he know that? No, he doesn’t even know we exist. He doesn’t know the heartache, the tears, the joy, or the frustrations we have faced to bring him home. He doesn’t know we are even trying to get to him. We have memorized every dimple, every curl on his head and yet he knows not what we look like. Isn’t that what God has said of us? He knows the number of every hair on your head. Kayden’s hope is to have a family that will love and provide for him. He doesn’t know that the provision has already been made. So we ALL wait, with perseverance, through the testing of our faith, being made strong, groaning and laboring for the day when we see our hopes realized.

Update to this post: Kayden came to his forever home April 24, 2009.